HippoThoughts

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Investigation Continues After Mom Notices Ornament Missing From Tree

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GREENWICH, CT—The case of the missing ornament continues as Martha Walters is not willing to let it go. Mrs. Walters first noticed the vandalization after she came down for her morning baked potato. Now, four days in, Mrs. Walters has yet to identify the culprit. Therefore, the HippoThoughts Investigation Team has decided to help her out. We’ve identified all possible suspects below:

Martha Walters Jr. 

The oldest daughter of Martha and Jim Walters. She is described by her mother as “a pain in the ass to get gifts for.” Martha Jr. is 19 and holds a lot of resentment towards her parents for giving her the same name as her mother. She wants to be seen as an individual, not a Martha. Because of this, Martha Jr. has the perfect motive to hurt her mother by stealing her beloved ornament.

Henry Walters 

The middle child of Martha and Jim Walters. He is described by his mother as “a sweet boy who can be a real pain in the ass to get gifts for.” Henry is 17 and holds a lot of resentment towards his parents for not giving him the same name as his father. Henry feels if he had his dad’s name, he wouldn’t feel like such a middle child outcast. It is because of this, Henry’s motive is clear, but not as perfect as Martha Jr.’s.

Walter Walters 

The youngest child, or the baby, of Martha and Jim Walters. Described by his mother as “a weird kid who can be a real pain in the ass to get gifts for.” Walter is 15 and you can probably guess why he holds resentment towards his parents. What is wrong with them?? Why did they name him Walter if his last name is Walters?? Poor kid. We wouldn’t blame him if he did it.

Jim Walters 

The husband of Martha Walters. Described by his wife as “a nice guy, he gave me a list.” Jim and Martha were heard arguing over whether they should, in Jim’s words, “stop wasting money on real trees and just get a god damn plastic one” the night before the incident. Did Jim steal the ornament as a statement that plastic trees don’t get ornaments stolen from them? We’re not sure yet.

Stu Walters 

The family dog. He doesn’t have a clear motive, given he has the best name in the family. But he barked at us and we don’t trust him.

In conclusion

We have no conclusion at this time. We interviewed each suspect extensively and they had nothing for us to go on. Especially Stu, that bastard. We’ll keep working on this ongoing investigation and hope you will as well. Let us know in the comments who you think did it.


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