HippoThoughts

The only news source written entirely by Hippos


“Five More Minutes” Cries Trump As Impeachment Looms

“Five More Minutes” Cries Trump As Impeachment Looms

WASHINGTON, DC—Monday morning as Trump was rising from his Pirates of the Caribbean sheets, Impeachment once again was looming in the shadows. “Five more minutes!” is reportedly what Trump screamed as he got up. This, of course, is what Trump has been screaming every morning of his presidency thus far. And thus far the looming…

“You’ve Got Mail” Voice-over Guy Still Looking For Work

“You’ve Got Mail” Voice-over Guy Still Looking For Work

HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s being reported that the famous “You’ve Got Mail” voice-over guy is still looking for work. Apparently, he’s been looking for work ever since THAT job. Sources say he’d been type cast as someone who can only say “You’ve Got Mail”. This has made it extremely difficult to get other voice-over jobs. He came close after…

Millions of Living Breathing Americans Making Trump Think Healthcare One Big Hoax

WASHINGTON, DC—It’s been reported that Trump no longer thinks healthcare is necessary after being presented with evidence that millions of Americans are alive and well. During a briefing Monday morning, Trump’s top advisors showed him the numbers. Millions upon millions of Americans are living and going about their day all across the country. This is when…

New Study Finds 76% Of Co-Workers Take Back Apologies In Their Head

UNITED STATES—A new study done at the very prestigious Pickled State University found that 76% of your co-workers took back their apology to you in their head. The University which is in Morgantown, West Virginia, is in a constant state of being pickled. Nonetheless, they are always conducting new studies that definitely yield results. Their…

Rest Of Group Abandons Friend Who Stopped To Tie Shoe

AUSTIN, TX—After innocently stopping to tie his shoe in downtown Austin, Phil Loomis, 25, noticed the group of friends he was walking with had just completely left him there. He reports one minute they were there, the next they were gone. “One minute they were there, the next they were gone,” said Loomis. Sources say…

Floor Penny From Earlier Blamed For Man’s Bad Luck

WASHINGTON, DC—After finding a penny and picking it up, Wallace Robinson, 37, assumed the rest of the day he would have good luck. However, news reports indicate that unfortunately for Wallace, he had bad luck from there on out. Wallace picked up the penny and continued walking to work. On his way, he reportedly walked up…

Ticket Mixup Prompts Airline To Eject Unaccompanied Minor From Plane Mid-Flight

THE SKY—After realizing he got on the wrong flight, minor Jake Brooks was ejected from the plane… mid-air. Jake was supposed to be flying to London with his family for vacation. However, the family was late getting to the airport. During all the commotion, Jake got separated and accidentally got on the wrong flight. The…

Girlfriend Ready To Change Contact Chad Tinder To Just Chad

CHARLSTON, SC—After meeting her boyfriend Chad’s parents, Cindy Grubbles, 23, finally decided it was time to change his contact info from “Chad Tinder” to simply “Chad” in her phone. Chad has reported wondering why it took so long. “I’ve been in Cindy’s phone as Chad Tinder a little too long for my liking. Honestly, I…

Lotto Ticket On Street Hopefully A Winner

NEW YORK CITY—This past weekend one single lotto ticket had many hoping it was a winner. The lotto ticket in question was spotted on the streets of New York City, of all places. Witnesses claim when they walked by the corner of 14th street and 8th avenue they saw it on the sidewalk. As each witness…

Starbucks Employee Goes On Power Trip Only Letting Customers Use Restroom

BELLEVUE, WA—Reports are rolling in about a Starbucks employee going on an insane power trip. After a small promotion, Chester Brooks, 19, has started enforcing the Customers Only rule for the restroom. Brooks is reportedly taking his job way more seriously after being promoted to shift manager. However, his co-workers seem to think the newly found power…

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